I have never needed so much help in my life.

I have never needed so much help in my life.

Mommy holding twins - this is REALITY. (Photo shot by my mother-in-law).

Mommy holding twins – this is REALITY. (Photo shot by my mother-in-law).

Everyday I run a MARATHON and I never get to rest and recuperate. EVER. Not for 55 days now have I slept for longer than 3-1/2 hours. Not only is your body completely overtaken by the babies while pregnant with twins, it remains on full-time duty while making milk and caring for the twins.

37 Weeks - the morning of my C-Section

37 Weeks – the morning of my C-Section

One hour before my c-section - so nervous!

One hour before my c-section – so nervous!

Sleep deprivation, constant pumping (I’m up to 48 ounces a day), juggling ten things at once, makes daily life a ridiculous blur and can have side effects. Like waking in the middle of the night thinking you’ve forgotten to pump and there’s no bottles. Thinking you fell asleep holding a baby and dropped him and can’t find him (yes, I actually had that dream and woke my mother-in-law who was sleeping beside me while I was frantically searching for the baby I thought I had dropped).

Mattelyn and Twins Christmas 201410

Also known as “Liquid Gold!”

Bottles - color-coded for different ounces and times of day for different baby.

Bottles – color-coded for different ounces and times of day for different baby. This marked the move from 2 ounce bottles to 4 ounce bottles. They are only 7 weeks old. 48 ounces a day I pump.

Trying to eat on the go but never succeeding as your oatmeal is cold and lumpy and sitting in the same spot at lunch as you breeze through neither eating your oatmeal or the sandwich made for you by your help. The thought of keeping the household in some kind of working order is impossible, although it’s occurring. I haven’t been upstairs to my room at all. My toddler is growing out of clothes, my husband has made our room his bachelor pad, the twins’ nursery is overrun with gifts and clothes that need to be put away. The kitchen has things put in all different places. My poor mom and my poor mother-in-law are thrown in week after week with the daunting task of helping me where I need help which is COMPLETELY overwhelming because within one hour, everything has gone to shit. I’m sleeping with my help in the spare room downstairs and trying to recover completely from my c-section, washing my incision has been neglected, I’m still sore and my hair and fingernails are just on hold. It’s difficult but a reality watching your toddler who can’t talk yet stumble around throwing things, refusing to eat and trying to hit the babies any chance she gets from pure jealousy. Dealing with hundreds of diapers and changing sessions, loads and loads of laundry, the same pile of bottles that need to be washed all night and day long, emptying completely full diaper Genies daily (YES, DAILY), watching my husband’s face when he leaves in the morning and he sees that I’ve been up all night, seeing his face when he gets home from a 12 hour work day and commute downtown and I’m still in the same clothes and holding the same crying baby, trying to prepare a fast and easy dinner in the slow cooker so everyone can eat something for dinner at sometime in the evening.

Mattelyn and Twins Christmas 20142

The never-ending pile of bottles and bottle systems…

Mattelyn and Twins Christmas 20149

The white board that saves my sanity. Tracks the kids’ days. I take a picture of it everyday with my phone for a record. A necessity when more than one person is caring for babies.

Mattelyn and Twins Christmas 201416

Mattelyn at 22 months helping to feed the twins. It’s met with mixed feelings for sure.

Watching fully-revived, recharged help walk through our door and 48 hours later recognizing the same zombielike look of hopelessness on their faces is agonizing. I am constantly hungry, thirsty, tired, confused, crabby, happy then sad and all those feelings never are met with resolve. I need to eat and drink and pump more to increase my milk supply to keep up with their growth but there aren’t enough hours in a day. My house is being partially run by either my mom or my mother in law, me and my husband and occasionally with help from both grandpas. I feel sorry for ALL of them and will never be able to fully thank them enough for putting their lives literally on hold to help with our chaos.

Bottle-feeding pumped breast milk.

Bottle-feeding pumped breast milk.

On January 7th, I told my husband I had to shower because I hadn’t since New Years Day. I then wondered how long it had been in past weeks when I didn’t have such a memorable date to commemorate my lack of showering?? I brush my teeth and change my clothes (sometimes) and then I’m off and running for the day – making decisions about my three children’s lives every minute of everyday with no time to think about it. Providing equal amounts of love and hugs and support all based on instinct and a mother’s intuition; making choices with a severe lack of cognition, running on empty, with pure adrenaline and post-partum hormones raging – trying not to lose it. Remembering birthdays of friends and remaining a part of everyone’s lives is exhausting but important to me. I’m thankful for the ability to share on Facebook and through blogging. This is BY FAR the hardest job of my entire life and the most important and rewarding. Grabbing a photo when I can, writing things down in my blog so as to capture SOME of this first year, learning to be ambidextrous, my iPhone and my white board are my tools for success or survival for me.

Mattelyn and Twins Christmas 201414

4 weeks

4 weeks

4 weeks

Mattelyn and Twins Christmas 201411

6 weeks

I feel so blessed and wanted to share the reality of what this really is like. And I have so much more to say!!! My hats are off to all of my friends that are mothers to multiples and have done this!!! You are each amazing. And to all of you moms-to-be – you’ve got this!!!!

I leave you with a quick list. Take care, God bless all of you in your individual lives right now. Would love to hear about your adventures – please share in comments!!!

Things not to ask or say to a mother of twins by day 55 (joking!):

1. How was your night?

2. Isn’t it time you pumped?

3. What is Mattelyn having for dinner tonight?

4. Does Mikki need to go outside?

5. Did you make the doctor’s appointment yet?

6. When should we start dinner?

7. Should Mattelyn be playing with that lotion bottle?

8. When you take a shower, don’t be too long.

9. I don’t know what time I fed the baby last.

10. Which baby do I have?

11. Do you want to go outside for a while?

12. Why don’t you take a minute to yourself?

13. Maybe all of this can get done tomorrow?

14. When was the kitchen vacuumed last?

15. Where’s (fill in the blank)?

16. Are you sure you have time to take pictures?

17. “If I were you I’d…”

18. Don’t you need to be making bottles?

19. “I’m going to grab a few beers with the guys after work.”

20. “Did you make the store list for the week?”

21. “I am so tired.”

XO ~ Very blessed!!!

Stephanie

Holding one twin - Carson. A definite rarity.

Holding one twin – Carson. A definite rarity.

5 thoughts on “I have never needed so much help in my life.

  1. Stephanie,

    I LOVE reading your writing as I have already told you… Now we are having
    Kids around the same time makes me feel like I am reading my life through your blog… Of course ur situation is 10x harder than mine…

    You are so much more discipline!!! The pumping for twins!! I am only doing it for one baby and I am not being consistent – so I am lucky if I have one bottle of BM for her each day! There are so many times when I wanted to quit breastdeeding for good… That’s when amazing stories like yours reminded me that things could be done when we really wanted them to get done… No matter how tough the situations were… So I have given myself a deadline to myself… I would pump till the end of my twelve weeks maternity leaves… Which by the way is coming up and kinda make me feel uneasy of leaving Blake to a daycare (a complete new environment where she knows nobody… All the faces, voices, smells, and schedule would be new to her)… The idea that she may feel being abandoned by us is absolutely heartbreaking… But we know that’s best for her… Where she’s going to learn to be independent with social skills with the others…

    You have Mattelyn to pay attention to and I can’t remember the last times I picked up YoYo since the birth of Blake… I think she’s not too happy with me right now since I tried to play with her yesterday and she wasn’t interested and it is rare!!! I am so sad.

    I laughed when you wrote about things in the kitchen were put at different places… I am very particular at where things go and I can totally relate!!! Each time I was at the Kitchen I couldn’t help but put things back to where they belong… I don’t know how to tell my mom to put things back to where to she have found them… At the end, all her helps overrides the tiny little nip picks that I have in regards of where things should go… I guess it’s helping me to learn to priority what’s more important in life and to lighten up on things…

    Right now only my left big toe was left with the nail color that was applied more than eight weeks ago and finally I made a hair appointment for this Saturday… When I made it I asked if it’s necessary since I have my hair pulled up in a pony tail anyway since Blake has started pulling my hair…

    There are so many times I didn’t want to turn on the vanity lights because the dim sunlights coming thru the window shade makes me look more radiance than when there’s light in the room!!! Our wedding anniversary is coming up and I can’t even imagine how I would look in this year’s photo when comparing to the previous year’s…

    I love sleep and knowing that you barely got 3.5 hrs of sleep in a day makes me feel nauseated (that’s how I would feel when I am extremely lack of sleep). There were nights when things got tough, I searched night nannies on the Internet trying to find an easy way out!!!! Now I am looking back and I am so silly!!!!

    You are doing such a good job, balancing your love with your families and friends and u still have time to write your stories and share with us… Here I want to salute you being such a good wife, mom, daughter, friends to people you care!!! Have a good day and hope you will get to see a lot of smiles from your babies today…

    Best Wishes and keep up with your writing!!!!

    Amy

    • I love how you write!!! You need your own blog. I thank you so much for sharing all of this with me. I don’t know why it’s such a comfort to read that other mama’s are in the same situation. I think it’s such an important job we are doing providing this early bonding for our babies. They will forever be blessed. Good for you and breast feeding! I think it’s wonderful you are doing anything for her. It’s completely optional and it’s a decision you Make all your own. And there is no right or wrong. Excellent that you gave yourself a deadline! I am sad for you that maternity leave is up soon – it should be a full year like it is in other countries. However, I agree with you – it is good for the social stimulation and independence. I am enrolling Mattelyn in preschool this coming spring or fall. Best of luck and keep in touch! Thanks again!! XO

  2. You are doing great! You are one of, if not the, best mom I know. I can only imagine how difficult it is. I wish I was there to help you. Xoxo.

  3. Steph, I agree with Amy on many points! I admire both of you greatly!! I have to admit, though, I don’t know how ANYONE has a baby and goes back to work after 6 or 12 weeks. I couldn’t do it and was lucky your uncle would agree to giving up a lot and letting me stay home with Michele for the first four years! It was worth more than anything in the world to me!

  4. Just reading this I give you tons of credit! I remember being so overwhelmed when Evan was born. There were many nights I woke up cradling my pillow as if it were him TERRIFIED that I had fallen asleep while nursing him and that he had been smothered or was on the floor somewhere. Sleep deprivation is intense and scary. Makes sense why they use it as a war tactic to get prisoners to talk. I can’t imagine the kind of sleep deprivation you’re experiencing having two. Hang in there. From this post you look incredibly organized and seem like a pro!

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