I have never needed so much help in my life.
Everyday I run a MARATHON and I never get to rest and recuperate. EVER. Not for 55 days now have I slept for longer than 3-1/2 hours. Not only is your body completely overtaken by the babies while pregnant with twins, it remains on full-time duty while making milk and caring for the twins.
Sleep deprivation, constant pumping (I’m up to 48 ounces a day), juggling ten things at once, makes daily life a ridiculous blur and can have side effects. Like waking in the middle of the night thinking you’ve forgotten to pump and there’s no bottles. Thinking you fell asleep holding a baby and dropped him and can’t find him (yes, I actually had that dream and woke my mother-in-law who was sleeping beside me while I was frantically searching for the baby I thought I had dropped).
Trying to eat on the go but never succeeding as your oatmeal is cold and lumpy and sitting in the same spot at lunch as you breeze through neither eating your oatmeal or the sandwich made for you by your help. The thought of keeping the household in some kind of working order is impossible, although it’s occurring. I haven’t been upstairs to my room at all. My toddler is growing out of clothes, my husband has made our room his bachelor pad, the twins’ nursery is overrun with gifts and clothes that need to be put away. The kitchen has things put in all different places. My poor mom and my poor mother-in-law are thrown in week after week with the daunting task of helping me where I need help which is COMPLETELY overwhelming because within one hour, everything has gone to shit. I’m sleeping with my help in the spare room downstairs and trying to recover completely from my c-section, washing my incision has been neglected, I’m still sore and my hair and fingernails are just on hold. It’s difficult but a reality watching your toddler who can’t talk yet stumble around throwing things, refusing to eat and trying to hit the babies any chance she gets from pure jealousy. Dealing with hundreds of diapers and changing sessions, loads and loads of laundry, the same pile of bottles that need to be washed all night and day long, emptying completely full diaper Genies daily (YES, DAILY), watching my husband’s face when he leaves in the morning and he sees that I’ve been up all night, seeing his face when he gets home from a 12 hour work day and commute downtown and I’m still in the same clothes and holding the same crying baby, trying to prepare a fast and easy dinner in the slow cooker so everyone can eat something for dinner at sometime in the evening.
Watching fully-revived, recharged help walk through our door and 48 hours later recognizing the same zombielike look of hopelessness on their faces is agonizing. I am constantly hungry, thirsty, tired, confused, crabby, happy then sad and all those feelings never are met with resolve. I need to eat and drink and pump more to increase my milk supply to keep up with their growth but there aren’t enough hours in a day. My house is being partially run by either my mom or my mother in law, me and my husband and occasionally with help from both grandpas. I feel sorry for ALL of them and will never be able to fully thank them enough for putting their lives literally on hold to help with our chaos.
On January 7th, I told my husband I had to shower because I hadn’t since New Years Day. I then wondered how long it had been in past weeks when I didn’t have such a memorable date to commemorate my lack of showering?? I brush my teeth and change my clothes (sometimes) and then I’m off and running for the day – making decisions about my three children’s lives every minute of everyday with no time to think about it. Providing equal amounts of love and hugs and support all based on instinct and a mother’s intuition; making choices with a severe lack of cognition, running on empty, with pure adrenaline and post-partum hormones raging – trying not to lose it. Remembering birthdays of friends and remaining a part of everyone’s lives is exhausting but important to me. I’m thankful for the ability to share on Facebook and through blogging. This is BY FAR the hardest job of my entire life and the most important and rewarding. Grabbing a photo when I can, writing things down in my blog so as to capture SOME of this first year, learning to be ambidextrous, my iPhone and my white board are my tools for success or survival for me.
I feel so blessed and wanted to share the reality of what this really is like. And I have so much more to say!!! My hats are off to all of my friends that are mothers to multiples and have done this!!! You are each amazing. And to all of you moms-to-be – you’ve got this!!!!
I leave you with a quick list. Take care, God bless all of you in your individual lives right now. Would love to hear about your adventures – please share in comments!!!
Things not to ask or say to a mother of twins by day 55 (joking!):
1. How was your night?
2. Isn’t it time you pumped?
3. What is Mattelyn having for dinner tonight?
4. Does Mikki need to go outside?
5. Did you make the doctor’s appointment yet?
6. When should we start dinner?
7. Should Mattelyn be playing with that lotion bottle?
8. When you take a shower, don’t be too long.
9. I don’t know what time I fed the baby last.
10. Which baby do I have?
11. Do you want to go outside for a while?
12. Why don’t you take a minute to yourself?
13. Maybe all of this can get done tomorrow?
14. When was the kitchen vacuumed last?
15. Where’s (fill in the blank)?
16. Are you sure you have time to take pictures?
17. “If I were you I’d…”
18. Don’t you need to be making bottles?
19. “I’m going to grab a few beers with the guys after work.”
20. “Did you make the store list for the week?”
21. “I am so tired.”
XO ~ Very blessed!!!