“A Month Ago Today…”

Actual Birth

Mattelyn Lovae’s Actual First Breath photo by My husband, Matt Brown, March 6, 2013 at Alexian Brothers Hospital in Elk Grove Village, IL.

As my daughter’s first birthday approaches ( March 6), I am emotional when I read what I wrote to her when she was a month old. It is stunning how truthful it is and it is embarrassing in the same way because it is so profoundly honest. But I want to share, in case you have had these same feelings before.

When life just comes into focus and your very heart is suddenly inside this little person looking up at you…

A month ago today

All my wishes and dreams came true

A more real experience than life itself

the moment I met you

It gave my life meaning

a real impending truth

A month ago today

you came into this world

A tiny heart and soul to love

An amazing future to behold

with guidance from above

Nothing short of a miracle

a notable divine intervention

a startling reality

a truthful rite of passage for us both

infinite conviction

A month ago today

You struggled to come into this life

I struggled to give you life

You left your home of water, darkness and my heartbeat

assuring your constant, safe, secure, warm embrace

And entered a cold outside

Boldly, with early determination

Full of guts, glory and grace

With an innocent, real and pure trust in us

That a life awaits you

Full of wonder and surprise

A Month Ago Today

Your lungs filled with air as you were pulled from me

I gasped at the pure adrenaline when I first heard you cry

That little voice I’d dreamed about hearing

suddenly, the surreal moment was here and I knew exactly why

I was no longer scared

No apprehension was left in my body

I didn’t feel any more pain

Only the strongest need to be next to you

To hold you and protect you again, with all my might

A month ago today

A month ago today

Who knew how much we would have already learned together

I became a mommy and gave you life

A life.

A month ago today

When I see the first of your real tears

my womb actually contracts and aches for you

When you cry,

my milk comes for you

When you smile,

my heart melts for you

When you sleep,

my eyes watch your every sweet breath

When you hiccup,

I am reminded you are growing  just like you did inside me

When you stretch and grasp for the stars,

my mind faithfully daydreams about all that you will become

When your little hand reaches out for mine,

I am reminded how very tiny and helpless you are and how much you need me

When you snuggle into me,

I reminisce my pregnancy when you would kick me as you practiced getting stronger

When you coo and make your baby newborn sounds,

my stomach fills with warmth and happiness

When you exhibit patience that no newborn should already have,

I feel lucky that you are advanced

When I look into your already alert eyes at a few days old,

I witness so much going on as you take it all in – the processing is mind blowing

When I listen to you breath,

I recall your ultra sounds when I would stare with wonder as you practiced breathing in the womb

When your feet are cold at night,

my hands hold them to warm them wishing nothing more than to be able to warm them forever so you’re never cold

When I sing the same lullaby to you at night that my mom sang,

It is years of love and sustanance being bestowed upon you

A month ago today

My life changed

I became acutely aware of the very purpose of my being

and the yearning to strive to be my best

never felt so real

A month ago today

The depths of my heart and soul had never been truly touched

and now I can’t begin to reach deep enough

To provide for you

and want for you

Is the only dream I have

Success for you will be my dream come true

My inner strength is conjured stronger than ever before

You are a part of me forever

The very best and most amazing part of me

the same blood flows through your tiny veins that flows through mine and years before us

you and I

I nourish you now just like then

a month ago today

Our belly button’s a reminder

of your first lifeline

our connection is deeper than any could be

I have to say

I love you

and thank you for making my life so complete

You are more than what I always dreamed of

a perfect tiny person with a glorious life ahead of you

You have two strong bloodlines that won’t fail you

and so many hearts out there that already love you

Your destiny is vast

Your ability to achieve greatness has already been given to you

My amazing baby Mattelyn

My love for you is forever and a day

No heart beats stronger than mine does for you

No song can be sweeter than the one sung for you

Praises can’t be bestowed on a more perfect angel than you

My Mattelyn Lovae

5 thoughts on ““A Month Ago Today…”

  1. Now you truly understand what I had been telling you for a long time. Those feelings as strong as they are will stay strong no matter what. She will always be a part of you. It is wonderful that you are able to express your true feelings for Lovely Mattelyn Lovae, a true treasure. XO Mom/Grandma

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